Get the Look: Post-Election Guide by Hobo Scumbag




Prose


 


Photo credit: New York Magazine and E! Entertainment
Photo credit: New York Magazine and E! Entertainment

I don’t get angry easily, and that’s probably the most attractive thing you can do as a human being. The trick is to empty your mind when people talk to you, and to nod politely until their mouths stop moving. Another trick is to pretend like whatever is happening to you is the exact opposite of what is actually happening to you. Like, perfect example! The other day, when Tony brought up “separate lawyers” and “divorce” and my “mother-in-law,” I just nodded politely and pretended like he had said “monks” and “our wedding vow renewal” and “Angelina Jolie.” And the whole thing just made me so happy, because wouldn’t that be quite a guest list for our wedding vow renewal ceremony?!

It was perfect practice for later, when I was wearing a white Ralph Lauren pantsuit and watching the election results with Ralph Lauren, who was only watching with me to see the results of who-wore-what best during the Presidential Nomination Acceptance Speech, and it turned out that Hillary Clinton had won the 2016 Presidential Election!! She won!! I heard it!! And I just had to cry and cry, which is the exact opposite of anger, and suits only the most fashionable, because some news is just too much for the heart to bear and yet it must be expressed.

There was so. much. crying.

I just thought I would tell you about these style tricks since the very essence of fashion — that is, being the sexiest you can possibly be all the time, every second — doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Practice this look often, as it is very much the current trend at the moment, and will come in handy this holiday season around the dinner table, at the company holiday party, and in the jail cells where they are putting all the protesters right now.

 

Hobo Scumbag is a native of Southern California. Find her at hoboscumbag.com.