Yay! It’s that time of year again! Tweeze the eyebrows! Wax the lip! Wax the cheeks! Apply a bentonite clay mask sold by Europeans in tiny clean-smelling bottles!! Did you know that betonite is used in cat litter to absorb odor around the feces? Exfoliate your face with that electric facial brush your mom got you for Christmas to help you find a husband! Clip your nails! Scrub your cuticles! Apply a base coat, then two layers of the selected color, then a top clear sealant on each nail! Do not move for three hours. Shave the legs! The arm pits! The bikini line! Keep going, you’re almost there, this is fun! Wax the arms! You missed a spot, do it again! Why are you holding that bottle of wine? You know what, I’m gonna pretend like I didn’t just see that! Fold the teeth-whitening strips into your mouth! Moisturize your elbows! Scrape the dead skin cells from your heels! Pluck your chin and nipple hair! Clear your ear wax! Trim your nose hair! I saw you sneaking OxyContin in your mouth! Spit it out! Apply the blemish eraser! Apply the skin brightening cream! Apply the Argan and Rosehip Seed wrinkle corrective! Apply the anti-aging serum around the smile lines! In fact, from now on, try not to smile. Or eat. Do not go anywhere that has sunlight. Or cold air. Do it for your skin! Dry-brush your skin, get your lymphatic nodes going! Do a deep conditioning keratin hair mask! Highlight your hair! Now lowlight your hair! No, don’t do that. Stop. Put the gun down. No, your bad attitude is the reason you hate this so much. You’re the problem. Your health, your family, your community, your employer, and most importantly your new president all need you to celebrate the fact that you made it to 2017 by fighting the most important fight of all fights which is the fight against cellulite. I cannot stress this enough. It is a privilege to fight this fight. This is seriously the best way to celebrate life. Now let’s talk about your makeup.
Hobo Scumbag is a native of Southern California. Find her at hoboscumbag.com.