RICHARD SPLETT from VEEP: He stole my heart the first time he walked on the screen in this show. He has everything you could want in a man: smart, kind, funny, steady job. I’m afraid he might be too vanilla in bed, or that his kinks would be way too much for me to handle. But let’s try to work it out.
MAX from MAD MAX: FURY ROAD: I know that it is hard to be in a relationship with someone who has such severe PTSD. I’m not even sure he’s capable of opening up emotionally to another person after what he’s been through. But if he’s willing to try, then I will bring all my reserves of patience. This is someone with a genuinely good heart.
GEORGE COSTANZA from SEINFELD: If you don't understand why George is clearly the best boyfriend on this show, then you are as clueless and self-absorbed as all the other characters. Everyone is a little insecure, but George is open and honest about it, giving him an emotional availability none of his friends possess.
TING from ONG-BAK: THE THAI WARRIOR: His devotion to his faith doesn’t seem self-righteous or preachy. He comes from a place of true humility and deep spirituality, and that is attractive in anyone. We are very different people, and I know there would be obstacles to overcome there — but I also know I would learn a lot from him.
DR. ETHAN HAAS from MASTERS OF SEX: It’s hard to go wrong with a handsome doctor. It’s true he gets rough when he’s angry, but he means well and if it becomes a repeat problem I think he would seek help. If not, then we would have to part ways. I also can’t wait to get rough in the bedroom with him, which I expect he will love.
DAVID HEALY from ROSEANNE: I love that David is affectionate, artistic, and eager to please. Unfortunately he is also terribly whiny and passive-aggressive. Hopefully he grows out of this, otherwise it’s not going to be long-term.
TERRY PRESCOTT from YOU CAN COUNT ON ME: I know he’s going to break my heart, but I can’t help myself. I fall for him every time. I think we would have some wonderful memories together after it was all over.
DENNIS "CUTTY" WISE from THE WIRE: I have a real weakness for men who are great with kids. I also have a weakness for boxers and martial artists. But I think what makes me fall in love with Cutty is his willingness to choose a better life for himself despite the mistakes of his past. I hope being with him might inspire me to do the same.
NATHAN BATEMAN from EX MACHINA: I know he’s a workaholic, and I know he’s probably a sociopath. I’m not saying that I want to marry him — though goodness knows that would be a great financial move for me. But let’s face it, you know he’s completely nuts in bed and I like someone smart with a lot of energy. He also has great taste in architecture and interiors.
FLOYD DeBARBER from 30 ROCK: I will move to Cleveland with you, Floyd. In a heartbeat.
ANDY DWYER from PARKS and REC: Let’s be clear — I don’t just want to be Andy’s boyfriend, I want to marry him and have kids with him. He is kind and devoted and handsome and likes to have fun. What more could you want in a husband and father? Others might find his lack of ambition and poor housekeeping a problem, but as long as he treats me right I’m fine with it.
BOLIN from THE LEGEND of KORRA: Earth benders make the best boyfriends. But Bolin isn't just an earthbender, he can bend *lava*. Stable but with heat!
LAI YIU-FAI from HAPPY TOGETHER: Listen, I’m not saying he doesn’t have his issues. He needs to learn to talk about his feelings, and he is awfully passive aggressive. Also I would like for him to quit smoking. But he is a deeply caring man who is devoted to his partner, and he likes to travel. It doesn’t hurt that he is literally like the most handsome man who has ever lived except for Gene Kelly.
CAROL AIRD from CAROL: For all of the other people on this list, I fantasize that they are gay men in love with me. In this case, I fantasize that I am a lesbian. It is fine with me even if I have to be Rooney Mara.
RUSS HANNEMAN from SILICON VALLEY: I think the fact that I will be so embarrassed to be seen with him will cut this relationship short. Also he is a poor listener, which wears out quick. But damn we’re going to have a good time until it’s over. Ideally we also marry briefly without a pre-nup. The destination wedding would be bonkers, and we would pay for everyone's flight and hotel and sherpa.
DIRK DIGGLER from BOOGIE NIGHTS: I know everyone thinks that I’m all about the horse hung stud, but what I see is a sensitive young man who needs someone to believe in him. He is eager to please, and I think he would make a champion bottom. I also think it’s cool that he likes to be watched, and that under his sweet mild-mannered exterior is a genuine ambition to be the best at whatever he does. If he gets into cocaine though, it’s going to be over.
JET BLACK from COWBOY BEBOP: Hard-working and persistent with a body that won’t quit, Jet is a real catch. He has a gruff exterior and complains a lot, but deep down he just wants to take care of the people he loves. He is also willing to make sacrifices to do what’s right. This one has long-term potential, though I can imagine his job becoming an issue for a variety of reasons.
HAWK from TWIN PEAKS: We don’t get to know Hawk very well, partially because he doesn’t talk too much which is often a blessing. But he is definitely good at his job, and he seems respectful to a fault. Like everyone else on Twin Peaks, I’m sure he struggles with a dark side, but it seems that he has a better handle on it than any of the show's other male characters. Dale Cooper might be fun to hang out with but there's no way I want to wake up to that endless cheery patter every morning. Diane, you’re a saint.
JASON CROUSE from THE GOOD WIFE: At first he seems like he might be real trouble. He is clearly strong-willed and no stranger to conflict. He also isn’t a great communicator. But he proves himself to be flexible, practical, and respectful. I feel like even if it didn’t work out in the end, we would part friends. Maybe Jason has some drama in his past, but now his most marked characteristic is real maturity. Will Gardner is sweet and sexy but seriously a total relationship disaster zone. Not about that noise.
CLIFF PANTONE in BRING IT ON: I know he is a little young for me in this movie, but Cliff is going to grow up to be the exact kind of individualistic intellectual layabout that I can't say no to. I will cook for him if he will sing to me.
ROBBIE KLAVEN from I LOVE YOU, MAN: You might think I would be into the Paul Rudd character, but his indecisiveness annoys me and I think reveals a real lack of character. One thing we don’t see in this movie is what Robbie’s like when he is head-over-heels for a guy. I bet he puts as much attention into making his partner happy as he does into bagging random dudes. We would probably end up with an open relationship, but I think that might work for us.
RICO DIAZ from SIX FEET UNDER: Handsome, ambitious, practical, lots of energy. I clearly have a type, and Rico is it. Rico doesn't seem particularly romantic, but I bet he is inventive about ways to keep his partner happy.
MATT HOOPER from JAWS: I really admire his willingness to stand up for what he believes in. I could totally imagine him at BLM march, and I hope he would help me become more politically active. And he’s dedicated to his family, which is definitely attractive. People who stick to their convictions also tend to be open about what they enjoy sexually, which is important to me.
SHERMAN "PREACHER" DUDLEY from DEEP BLUE SEA: Practical is a quality that comes up over and over in these characters, but Preacher is probably the best example. He also has charm for days and days and days. I like that if we went camping he would be good at it, but like me he probably doesn't actually like camping. Also he can cook -- though it is not established clearly in the movie whether his cooking is any good.
GEORGE HANSON from EASY RIDER: George Hanson is not the only lawyer on this list (see: Floyd DeBarber) which is not surprising because I am totally into lawyers. And George works for the ACLU! So sexy. However, also like others on this list, he appears to have a drinking problem. I won't be able to really give my heart to him while I'm wondering who he loves more, me or the bottle.
LIEUTENANT SEBLON from QUERELLE: He understands how to be respectful while being obsessively in love. This can be a magic combination. Also I think he would let me do literally anything I wanted to him during sex.
TUTTER THE MOUSE from BEAR IN THE BIG BLUE HOUSE: I will be your bear, Tutter. I will hold you when you are scared. I will give you advice when you are confused. We will live together in whatever color house you want. You are my heart, my everything. My only concern about Tutter is that his age is unclear — there is an episode where Tutter is being potty trained. But his sensibility otherwise seems very adult to me. Confusing for so many reasons.
SAMWISE GAMGEE from THE LORD OF THE RINGS: Unlike some of my other boyfriends, Samwise is genuinely no ego, no drama. And yet he is also a deeply passionate hobbit who understands true devotion. I have thought about marrying a few of my boyfriends, but Samwise is the one who would probably make me most truly, deeply happy for the rest of my life. I fear he might die young, but he will likely be the love of my life. I think I get to be a hobbit in this fantasy but it might even work as a mixed marriage.
Eli Rarey is Ohio Edit’s Magazines and Media Expert. He is a graduate of USC School of Cinematic Arts, where he later taught in the Interactive Media Division. Check out his work as a filmmaker at www.elirarey.com.