Dr. Martin Will See You Now #2: To Other Parents aka Moms in Room 503




Prose


 


Dr. Martin
Dr. Martin’s forthcoming book is “Primates of Park Avenue”

By Wednesday Martin, PhD

Hello,

I am emailing you all to introduce myself! I am Andrea, this year’s Class Parent, but let’s face it, given the rarity of a father being a class parent—or even showing up at school except under explicit directive from the headmaster of said school or threat of divorce—the chance that we need to address “parents,” rather than moms, is pretty darn slim. So let me just reintroduce myself as Andrea, this year’s Class Mom! Hi!

It is going to be a great year with lots of cute kids, learning, and mostly fun activities for the moms! If you are a working mom that is also fine. You can join us for some of these activities that will be conveniently scheduled for when you can’t do them, or the ones on Sunday evenings when you are trying to pack your briefcase (I guess that’s what those things are called?), get your “presentation” for your “client” ready, and make sure your kids have clean underwear for the next day. Everyone has an opportunity to participate, though. I’m serious.

For starters, we are going to have a great time next Tuesday at Get Your Hands Dirty, on Lexington and 81st (if you are a West side parent, I mean Mom, I’m really sorry, but we are going to be doing everything on the East side this school year. Just because it seems convenient for some of the moms. You know, the ones who were Class Moms in previous years? You have a metro card and a bus schedule, right? Or a driver?) You can paint, sculpt, drink wine, and cry with other moms and Class Moms.  Please leave your children at home with your husband. If you don’t have a husband maybe you have a sitter? That would be good. Because this is a night for the moms. Even though we are going to be painting, sculpting, and gluing pieces of macaroni to construction paper like kids do, we will be drinking wine so that is the upside. Please dress appropriately, in really high heels and expensive clothing. If you don’t have any, Julie, last year’s Class Mom, asks that you please get an expensive bag. Thanks.

We are also trying to organize a coffee morning for all the moms in the class (I should reiterate that when I say moms, I don’t mean “parents.” Once some dads came to these events and then it was reported fourth-hand that a few hours later their penises fell off, so we just don’t invite them. It’s too uncomfortable). I have gotten a lot of suggestions from moms about where we should go.  There are seven different Starbucks locations to consider, or French Roast (I don’t think anybody except the two moms on the West side wants to do the West side though, so that’s probably not fair, but what do you guys think?) and then a place equidistant between where one mom works and the rest of us live, but I can’t remember the name. Donna, Schuyler’s mom, suggested we have coffee in the fifth circle of hell, but I think she was kidding. Please vote and get back to me. Again.

Lori, an assistant teacher to the Kindergarten teacher’s assistant, who isn’t actually in the room with your kids but knows about them, just got engaged! While you haven’t met Lori and neither have your children, we, the moms who used to be Class Moms and are currently Class Mom, have already dismissed a lot of potential gift ideas as just not quite right. These ideas include a massage; a hair cut; a baby nurse (she is not pregnant yet. Gah!); and a Burmese python. If you have an idea you would like us to discuss for a really long time and then probably dismiss, please text it to Randi, last year’s Class Mom who is still Very Involved.

That reminds me that it is never too early to start thinking about the May school Benefit. It’s October, helllooooooo! Believe it or not it is in fact time to begin asking yourself, “What can I do for the school, above and beyond paying the really high tuition that I am told doesn’t really even pay for all the great stuff my kid gets to do at school anyway?” Some ideas include donating tickets to sporting events, donating a week at your house in Anguilla, or just giving your house in Anguilla to somebody because it feels good and is the right thing to do.

More immediately, there are a whole slew of potlucks coming up, and also cocktail parties, including the book fair cocktail party, because everybody knows a book fair needs a cocktail party kick off the night before.

If you need specifics, go to the school website and then to the parent portal. Use a whole bunch of passwords you made up when you were drunk from self-medicating from the last PA meeting  (we don’t call it PTA anymore, “Parents Association” is a better description, since we don’t really work with the teachers) and can’t remember. Request new passwords a bunch of times, get tearful and yell at your kids. And we’ll see you after at Get Your Hands Dirty.

What I’m trying to say is that there are a billion ways to be involved, and a billion cute kids and a billion teachers to start buying end-of-the-year presents for, even though school has just started. It’s going to be a great year!

 

Wednesday Martin is the author of Stepmonster. Her forthcoming book is Primates of Park Avenue. You can follow her blog at Primates of Park Avenue.