The Indiscrete Tarot by Candice Wuehle




Poetry


 


Another savory feeling in my mouth.
Starless solstice morning.
My dad
Drops me
At high school
And I’m alone
Again.
It’s a snow day.
I don’t care.
I go to the dark room.
I love the empty
Gymnasium, journalism room.
It’s ok.
The janitor is also here and he has a set of keys and will give me access
If I find him.
I would have come
Anyway.
Me and dad don’t listen to radio in the morning.
We don’t check in.
It takes 15 years to stop dreaming of that day.
I have to divorce a whole man to make the dreams stop.
A whole one.
Women can learn to swim now.
I know that’s a dumb thing to say/
I say dumb things.
I let people think I’m dumb.
Stay safe.
I love to be alone
And I love to live underwater.
I quit getting out of bed
To go to high school/
Dad said whatever.
Said/ end it early/
On to the next.
And I did.
Only I dreamed for 15 years.
A whole one.
In June I didn’t wonder what happened/ but now I wonder what happened.
One thing you can’t do
Is go back and draw the cards in the time before
You knew how/
To draw.
Most people I draw for are the same and draw the same:
Energy. PAGE OF WANDS, CHARIOT, TOWER.
I see the TOWER all the time.
The rule of this poem
Is I can’t give
Advice/ okay?
I want to say
/Like/ only watch Diabolique with another woman
You love in that one style
/You know/
You can image her bursting
Into gossamer scarves
You let her wash her blood
Y whites in your washer.
Well, I won’t
I’ll exit and say me and best-friend
Watched Bewitched and never talked about
Why.
If I have to play Talent I still twitch
My nose.
Sincerely.
A little of the h o t c h i t o t c h i b u n g a t o c h i is all I’ve got.
Have you heard the phrase w o r k
Your m a g i c?
Breath holes.
Have you ever met a little boy
Who found out
Where babies
Come from in the worst way possible?
You can’t usually betwitch one of those.
Bewitch.
I don’t know myself or you /
Very well.
Wind wind water fire.
I’ve been the President
Of the Hierophant Haters Club
This year.
I’m so sick
Of answers.
Remember the episode
Of The Simpsons when
Bart finds a pregnancy test
And also makes conceptual art?
I’m not bragging
But I’m an air sign. All I think about
Is my right relation to others. Agamben says/
Gossip is the personal truth
Which heals us.
Geramium neroli melissa sandalwood
Balm balm balm balm.
That episode was important.
Homer explained museums
Keep the art away
Because we hate it so much.
Gas chamber.
Has anyone ever asked you where your favorite place in the world is?
If a man asks you this
And THE WORLD
And THE 2 OF CUPS or
LOVERS
Appear in your spread
Some readers insist the rings of Saturn
As expressed in the bounded Capricornian WORLD
Will bind you to him.
It wasn’t JANE AUSTEN AND THE MASTURBATING GIRL it was
Something else where Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick says/
The best thing is to have no karma.
Good or bad. Saturn
Is the planet of invisible reins, retribution, it takes 28-30 years
To circle.
My favorite place was the black cylinder
Which sealed the light
So it never touched
The gelantized papers flopped over in
The 20 chemical baths.
I went there in the middle
Of that day
Just to stand
And breathe
In the dark.
///
It was THE WEATHER IN PROUST.
///
The roads are iced up.
The walls are made of tin.
This is like being undeveloped film.
I’m 17.
I’m a platinum blonde
Woman already.
I don’t know what is going
To develop
But I do/
Really.
I do occult
Things in the cylinder.
I can see
Later/ later than now
I will have to cover mirrors.
Victoriana.
To experience hatred I go to auctions
And watch other women
Buy the guilt-edged objects
I want.
If I throw the cards right now/
All PENTACLES.
I was a mummy for Halloween
As a child/ all
Pins and tissue.
I always came undone
In an embarrassing way.
Now I sleep the same.
I tell men this
Like it’s a warning
In the worst way possible
I say/
I sleep as if in a
Grave
Hands crossed
Across my chest.
Don’t undo me.
Later
When spring comes
Best-friend starts calling
Before dawn
To tell me to
Remember to come
To high school, to spirit
Assembly.
I wonder
If Sedgwick wrote on the tarot.
If it breaks the affective sphere/
Ungoverns it gainfully/ you can call affect the secretion
Which appropriates the future.
I’d like to really end this.
Let’s just read Žižek’s cards.
A sleeping draught/
Dream from late afternoon to dark.
Gold sparks come from
My solar plexus
I get up.
Sage. Sage. Amethyst on the edges of the deck:
WHAT COVERS HIM/ ———————-
HIS OBSTACLES/ ————
WHAT CROWNS HIM/ ———————————————
WHAT IS BENEATH HIM/—————–
WHAT IS BEHIND HIM/ ———————————-
WHAT IS BEFORE HIM/—————————————–
WHAT SIGNIFIES HIM/ —————————-
WHAT SIGNIFIES HIS HOUSE/ ———————–
HIS HOPES AND FEARS/ —————————————-
WHAT WILL COME/ ————–
THAT WHICH UNDERLIES ALL/ —————————–
Energy and actuation/
No cups/
Inverted WANDS indicate bad faith.
Bad messages.
An entire element is missing.
DEATH can negate this/
Rosebush in aftertimes.
Underlying all is a teacher in a cathedral.
I make it
Through
One last spring and 18 days of autumn.
Everyone starts reciting the Auden that goes
The lights must never go out/
The music must always play.
The music must always play.
The music must always play.
The music must always play.
The music must always play.
I meet my husband
He asks me if I thought there was
But two or three pronunciations of the sound of my own name?
I know that part is already
Over. I draw
The 3 OF SWORDS
And I draw the inverted EMPRESS.
I draw THE STAR/
Also. I draw

Everything the same
Again.

Adult best-friend texts
And asks if we’re going
To meet our 2nd husbands at the bar tonight.
Only the FOOL
Can protect
From the DEVIL.
I thank
I thank
I thank
For my MB in Atlanta
For my PJR in Munich
For my SZ in Iowa City
For my ARB in New Orleans
For my RM in Philadelphia
For the cylinder.
In which no must arose
Only
Absorptions of others
Echoes.

I’m not asking
For another snow day.
I’m saying
///////////
It is okay
///////////
I am snow.

 
Candice Wuehle is the author of curse words: a guide in 19 steps for aspiring transmographs (Dancing Girl Press) as well as a recent Pushcart Prize nominee. Some of her poems can be or will be found in The Volta, Fairy Tale Review, and The Atlas Review. She lives, reviews, studies and edits for Beecher’s Magazine in Lawrence, Kansas.