Pounded By The 6th-Dimensional, Billion-Dollar Hairpiece of Our Sexy President by Shane Kowalski





I still want to believe in good things about hair. We talk so much about hair, but never really get to the point of hair. Don’t expect me to get to the point of hair. I am not existentialist or philosophist or smart. I like dogs because they have so much hair, most of the time, and they’re very careful about their hair and usually share their hair. There are many homeless people I’ve made friends with in my short time here, on the side streets of where I go to school in large bedecked buildings, that I often wonder why people who are without hair but do not need hair spend so much money on hair and never share their hair. A lot of the hair I’ve seen in my life could go to the cause of sheltering my homeless friends. But I don’t want to make this a story about the homeless. They have their own issues. And I love them too much to make them part of mine. This is just to say, if I had enough money for a lot of hair, I’d build a huge igloo made of hair. It’d be warm and cozy and open to all without hair. I’d probably serve soup in it.

Oh yeah!

Have you heard the news?!

The news of our sexy president and his hairpiece?!

We have a plan, his hairpiece says. Sex in the air! His hairpiece is in a thong, modeling, being glitzy, engulfing whole cities in its angry-pouting mouth. It is magical and has plans to repopulate, our sexy president says, or says through the hairpiece—I cannot tell which anymore. You won’t be able to walk down a street that you have walked down hundreds of times before without encountering some new and great property of hair! is what we are told. So much pleasure and winning of hair we’ll have, his hairpiece says while massaging its bulge, which may or may not be more hair. But his hairpiece is just “hair” acting like hair. And our sexy president does not understand hair how I understand hair.

Shane Kowalski is a writer in Cornell University’s MFA program. He does Died Disappointed.