Get the Look: Damsel in Distress by Hobo Scumbag



The truth is that I didn’t know what a damsel in distress looked like. I had to go out and find one. This is how committed I am to my fashion blog fans.

I went to the park. I went to the grocery store. When two cars crashed at the intersection, I hurried over. But it was only a fender bender, and the women shook hands in the insurance exchange.

In therapy, I asked my therapist if he had any leads.

“I’m not asking for you to break patient confidentiality, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m saying, do you know of any women who are tied to the train tracks, figuratively? I need to ask about who does their hair, and where to buy shoes?”

How to Win Friends and Influence People suggested I keep seeking word-of-mouth counsel. So I went to the neighborhood priest in the church at the end of my street.

Which is how I ended up at Planned Parenthood.

I went in and found women taking control of their futures, getting STI screenings and breast cancer checkups. Why did he send me here? I thought to myself. Everyone was friendly and informed, making healthy choices in clean, well-lit places with up-to-date equipment, and I thought, What a great time to be alive so far.

When I left, I realized I might just have to fake being a damsel in distress myself for the purposes of my fashion blog. But staging a scenario in which I’m a false version of myself seemed to be both a drastic measure and a highly deceptive means of getting an idea across. Mainly because fashion is serious business and about real women.

So I found myself asking a politician if he knew where I could find a real damsel in real distress in real life.

Which is how I ended up at Planned Parenthood. Why? I wondered. Where are they? I wondered. Inside the waiting room were women making pertinent choices for themselves. All were respectful. All was clean and legal. What a great time to be alive so far, I said to them. We nodded, and said yes.

When I left I felt I had to ask one more person. For fashion. For truth.

“Why do people keep sending me here?” I said aloud in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood.

I was starting to get distressed.

One important fashion tip to note about this look is that Givenchy scarves are best to use when tying yourself down. The silk is of highest quality and they look really cute. Another important fashion tip is about the train tracks themselves. They vibrate when you lay your head down on them, even when the trains are far away, which can really screw up your hair. So hairspray is a must. The hardest thing about this look is the waiting. It’s torture when you know you can help yourself. But beauty is pain. Try to you focus on how it’s a great time to be alive so far.


Hobo Scumbag is a native of Southern California. Find her at